Friday, August 20, 2010

A woman loves to nurture...

It is ever so surprising that this once again - hundreds of times this has happened! - surfaces: The woman is more emphatic, she loves to nurture, she is emotional... she is different from a man, who is mathematical, strong and rational!!! In my 56 years I have come accross this phenomenal hoax all the time. It is depressing and plain stupid!!! An instrument of subjection!!!

So as a woman you should be the second in command, at most... Your capability to independent thinking and action is ... well, if not nonexistent at least limited. How come? But these opinions need no reasons or justification: they are the objective thruth!!! At best you are serving and nurturing others... and that makes you partial in deciding...

It is so refreshing and profitable, this kind of oppression. As a woman you are suitable for supporting and decorative jobs, not independent or leading... but I'm not supporting or decorative, I am independent and  quite able to make decicions... even if I lika more democracy that tyranny - I have tried that too and  even if it was working it was not lasting....

All  my life I have been listening... listening other people, but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking. Mostly I have been alone, alone with my boys, my children - no man ever came near the measure... And we had it well, working system in this house for the good of all, and boys grew, became men and went their own ways. So I am alone with my thoughts and ideas. It is funny how little we change by the years: I am the same as I was years and years ago: not so certain about anything, exploring and experimenting, not so very civilized but frank, and ever loving beauty...

My paintings are awesome to some people but because I'm not a member of unions or properly schooled I am not a real professional artist. I'm glad someone has finally defined art and artist... As a moviemaker the problem is the same: Those who were social and made their compromise are the ones with economical means to do something but likes of me... fuck off!!! Students the age of 16 get laptops if they choose a certain school - when I was in the same situation you paid for your studies and got nothing material. Even now I think that the most important things in my life have not been material - materia and wealth are just excess and the core of life is something else.

Back to the children: because I have children I must be a nurturing woman! So it has been said. BUT... I have children because getting children - being pregnant and giving birth - is the greatest sexual and erotic experience. Yes, I have heard the thousand stories of births gone bonkers and the pain and suffering, but to my opinion it was hard work rather than pain, didn't last long and the euphoric symbiose for two-three weeks after the birth with the baby was like a prolonged orgasm, exquisitive and joyable. And all from a very selfish point of view...  as also the baby suckling, a very sexual experience...  Poor men, never such... must be frustrating and so it is natural to underrate the experience!!! Or maybe it is jelousy?

And nurturing later... I gladly admit that my boys have been my companions rather than something to nurture. I have helped and explaned when needed but they have not been subject to any special dicipline and everyone has had to work, do his share of the common shit like washing the dishes or vacuuming. And no harm done there as far as I can see... We had fun with the boat and the dogs and the cars that always broke! Yes, we had fun and though we were not rich or even well-to-do we were content: not fat or starving but ok! And even the house I got to some sort of condition!

So never am I going to nurture, but my fair share of play... where is it???

Friday, August 13, 2010

the first day

This is the first day of the rest of my life, and this is 13th and friday, but a beautiful and warm summerday in spite of that. The first day... beginning of something, maybe not so different and spectacular but hopeful and peaceful. Why do they - all other people - want to force me to stay put? Why? Do they not understand that to me the fourtieth wedding anniversary means absolutely nothing, or maybe a chain? Do they not understand that a continuing work in or with some same persons and surroundings is a deathblow? Why do they not understand? Why do they not accept me as I am - a wanderer? It is not considered normal here, not worth doing, just flying from a flower to another.
But that is how I'm made! That is how I'm on my best and how I thrive! A dog can not become a cat or a dragonfly. A dog is a dog and a dragonfly is a dragonfly.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

the storm asta

The night between thursday and friday last week... I woke at about two oclock to the sound of rain, heavy constant patter of drops, and flashing of lightnings and black roaring darkness. I lied quite still and dreamed of a thunderous fuck, warm weight on my body and the mixing of different sensory perceptions, the movement, the water pouring and the thunder... ecstatic!

The wind rattled steelsheets on the roof of old cowhouse and beat branches of trees on the roof, and howled in the corners of outhouses and open windows. I had to get up to close the windows. The rooms on the southside had water flooding on the floor. Pluck sockets flashed sparkles causing the cat  to panick and run round the house. The dog couched under the sofa. And the boy slept on the sofa. Finally I stood with the cat on the treshold in the middle of the house and followed the divine spectacle for half an hour. Then I gave up and scrambled back to bed to listen to the patter of rain already more serene...

It is now the fifth day without electricity. One can survive without fridge! and without water from the tap - luckily we have a well on the yard and a composting toilet! Without electric cooker - keep the campfires burning!!! And without television, computer, cellphone! The roads are however already open! On friday I did sweat with the dog on a fitness track made by some fifty fallen heavy and bushy spruce.